What happens when your grief doesn’t match the grief of those in your circle?
What if the way you need support or offer support isn’t met? Once again, you’re on your own. Haven’t you always been on your own though? I have been turning these questions in my mind, wondering how to continue to thrive in relationships that are most meaningful to me, all the while wishing for something different. Knowing in my heart that grief is a one-man job I am filled with loneliness and power equally.
Both can still be true.
Getting to know and inviting in the pain is a one-man and inside job. Wishing for a type of support that understands what it means to be busy, lie in bed for a while, be crabby or tender. Basically, who is willing to get on the front of my rollercoaster with no straps, no guarantees that it’ll be fun or easy.
Honestly, these supporters are few and far between. These supporters fade over time.
It’s not a judgment, it’s evidence that in grief, my grief, there are days when the clock stops and theirs does not. Evidence that their life has continued and so has mine even when it feels like I am stuck in time. I am just a disabled version of who I once was.
So, to drum up the internal strength to be the one who can offer all of the support I need, in my darkest moments is hard. It is not impossible. The bottom line is this too will change. Contrary to “this too shall pass”, I cling to the change.
The trust that grief boulder on my chest will once again shrink down to a size I can carry. Trust that the grief boulder will not always cut off my air supply and trust that there will be moments of joy and lighter encounters.
This all comes from me, only me.
I hate that my daughter is gone and in the darkest moments I really just want her- not support. My heart tricks me into thinking support will ease my heartbreak…and it doesn’t.
Support instead reminds me that life has continued to march on, that the boulder will shift, and that I am loved. If support can do these three things, I can replenish my reserves just enough to remember the boulder is always changing size and I will know the feeling of a small boulder in time.