Grief and Joy.

My whole pregnancy I spent watching my very special friend Marley. I would take her to the library for story time, to the park, to the grocery store, on bagel and coffee dates.

I would think of the fun I would have taking Marley and my own daughter to do all these things together. How exciting my baby girl already had her best friend! Marley would ask me if I could open up my belly so she could play with Mae Rose.

She was so excited to meet her new friend I couldn’t imagine a life for my daughter without my Marley intertwined into each image of her future. A little over a week after my baby entered the world my favorite little person was taken away. My baby never got to meet her best friend and Marley never got to meet the baby she was so excited to meet.

My heart was shattered and my grief was so deep.

But I also had brought into the world a beautiful healthy baby girl. I felt immense guilt when I felt deep sorrow, because I felt it wasn’t fair to Mae Rose. I felt immense guilt when I felt overwhelmed with joy about my new baby girl because I felt like I was not missing Marley hard enough if I was happy.

Through the help of my therapists I had to learn how to let grief and joy coexist, and learn to trust Marley and Mae Rose both know how much I love them and that my feelings didn’t take away the depth of love I have for each of them.

It’s been 5 years and I still have to remind myself that grief and joy can co exist at the same time. I grieve when my daughter plays with other 8 year olds, wishing it was Marley she was with, but I feel joy seeing my daughter making friends and those feelings can happen at the same time. And it’s ok. They both show the love I have for my girls.